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Happy

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I know it’s been quite a while since I’ve been on here. I guess that because I was just so busy with school and exams, I forgot to write about my days. Now that school is over, it won’t be such a chore, you know. I mean, I love writing about my day, but sometimes I want to sleep😂. Anyway, so far my summer has been awesome! I got a job today at Harris Teeter, which is great. The only problem is that the job is kind of far from my house, so that’s a lot of driving for my parents, but I’m hoping to get my license soon, so I could carry the load off them. Today I also realized something. I realized that in order to be truly happy, I have to get rid of my grudges towards people. Forget things ever happened. Honestly, I’m pretty good at that, because I don’t really hold grudges. Like I can’t. When I’m made at someone, I usually end up talking to that person within two days or less. It’s because I like to talk. I like talking to people. I like talking to myself. I’m just a talkative person. Sometimes, that can be a problem. However, I see it more as a positive than a negative. I can make friends easily and most people will say that I’m friendly. I like my talkative self.
With love,

Becky D

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Days 29-32

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The series of events that happened these past four days are unreal. I’m too upset to get into detail, but sometimes, I feel like something is wrong with me.( I wrote this on Friday)

Now it is Sunday and I’m much better than I was because I realized something. Nothing is wrong with me, other than the fact that I am a sinner. Just because I have strong opinions doesn’t mean that something is wrong with me. If I can’t have a conversation with someone about my opinions without them yelling at me then that’s really not my problem. That is, honestly, one of the problems of going to a Christian school. Don’t get me wrong, I love my school and what it has taught me but everyone there is pretty much the same. You don’t really have a variety of opinions. I really worry about some people in my school when they go out into the real world. There are going to find out that not everyone is like people you encounter at FCS. The world is not peaches and cream sugar. At my school, I’ve gotten into arguments talking about politics and, most recently, colorism towards dark skinned women(I’ll write a separate blog post about colorism). I like to think of myself as a person who knows a great deal about this topic because I’ve not only researched it, but I’ve have experienced it as well. However, this girl told me that the fact that I think colorism exists is ridiculous. Okay, that’s her opinion, it didn’t really bother me. What bothered me, though, is that when I asked her if she researched it, she said yes. I ended up finding out the her resource was social media. She continued to say that what I was saying was ridiculous because she sees all these “pro-black women” Instagram pages. Listen, those “pro- black women” Instagram pages are made by black women to empower other black women! And the fact that her source was social media is sad. Social media can’t tell you everything. You have to do research outside of social media to know more about a topic. Plus, I wasn’t talking about colorism only in regards to black women. I was talking about DARK-SKINNED WOMEN. Hence dark-skinned women in India, dark-skinned women in China, dark-skinned women in Africa, dark-skinned women in general.

With love,

Becky D

Mental Journey

Day 28

DSC00088So today I downloaded back my social media. I’m proud of myself. I spent a whole month not using Instagram or Snapchat. It was hard the first few days, but after a while, I got used to it. It was almost like those apps didn’t exist. Today was terrible. Okay so after yesterday’s problems, I decided that maybe it’s best for me not to say anything. I sadly, found out today that I get called “controlling” when I do talk and “making it about myself”, when I don’t talk. I don’t know what to do. Yesterday was so hard for me because I didn’t understand how someone, especially a person of color, could refuse to accept the fact that colorism is still prevalent. How could someone be so ignorant? Anyway, I barely said anything today and I get accused of being jealous of a strong friendship. Whatttt? I don’t understand how me being upset about colorism correlates with that. I’m going to make it very clear for me and the people who don’t understand. I AM OVER “THAT GUY”. I am not “jealous” of that guys relationship with ANYONE. Why would I want a strong friendship with someone who constantly tries to belittle others? I’m going to write a list of the bad things this person said to me, so that if I EVER( God forbid) tried to bring back old feelings, I can just look at this post. 

 

With love,

Becky D

Mental Journey

Day 27

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Today was NOT A GOOD DAY lol! So today a classmate and I decided to search “beautiful girls” on Google. We weren’t being perverts, I promise! What came up was…..interesting, to say the least. When you search “beautiful girls” on Google, most if not all of the women are light skinned or white. Okay? No dark skinned women. I made a comment and said “Well, that makes sense because in society dark skinned women generally aren’t considered the standard of beauty, light skinned or white women are.” That’s a fact. I’m not making it up to victimize myself or anything. And then “that guy” tried to tell me that I was wrong, that I’m the only one who thinks that way, and that I’m trying to divide people. No, I’m not. He then continued to basically say that dark skinned women are treated the same as light skin or white women. His ignorance is really frustrating to me. Of course, I want all colors of women to be treated the same, but it’s just not like that now, which is sad. Ignoring or refusing to accept a fact isn’t going to erase it. Do your research, admit that’s it is true and still prevalent, and then try to do something to change it. What made the situation worse was that two girls just started laughing at me. I hate it when people laugh about topics that I care about! You may not care about it, but please respect that I do and DONT LAUGH. I try to never laugh when people are serious about a topic and I just want the same to be done to me.

With love,

Becky D

Mental Journey

Days 21-26

Y’all. I have been MIA!! I’m so sorry! It’s just I’ve been so busy, but that’s not an excuse. Everybody is busy, really. These past few days have been great. Regarding that guy we’re cool now. No hard feelings. Even though I choose to forgive him, I find myself still remember all those wretched things that were said. Those words really affected me and sometimes, you can’t forget them. However, you can choose to not bring them up, which is what I am doing. There is no need to dwell on the past. Today I had an orientation to volunteer at a hospital. It was actually pretty fun. It was great seeing all the diverse faces. I don’t get to see a lot of diverse people everyday.

With love,

Becky D

Mental Journey

Day 20

Twenty. That is the key number here. Twenty days ago I started my “Mental Journey”. I was in a sad state and wanted to figure out what was wrong with me. It took twenty days for me to figure it out. I learned that what was wrong with me was the fact that I had strayed away from God. I put my wants first, instead of the needs of God. Today, I talked to “that guy”. I was extremely nervous at first. I didn’t know what to say or how to approach him. However, I knew that God would show me the right time and place, there was no need for me to try and force it. School wasn’t a good time, so I talked to “that guy” later in the day at a school Fine Arts concert. I tried to be as calm as I could and tried to say the right words. With God’s help, I succeeded. He helped me find the right words to say. I didn’t tell the guy how much he had hurt me because it, just, wasn’t necessary, you know? Especially since me telling him how I feel got us in the predicament in the first place. Instead, I told him that instead of showing hatred and animosity towards him, I’m going to love him.

With love,

Becky D

Mental Journey

Day 19

Today I was reminded of love. Not the typical romantic “lovey dovey” type of love, but the love Christ requires us to show towards ALL people. Not just towards the people you like, but towards the people who get under your skin too. A speaker at my church today said this “God knows if you love Him when you: love what he loves, hate what he hates, and do what he loves. This really got into my heart because it got me wondering, “Do I show love to others unconditionally? Even when I’m upset with them?” Sadly, I don’t think I do. Tomorrow, I think I’m going to clear things up with “that guy”, because we’re not showing any brotherly love towards each other, we’re showing animosity. God hates it when we show animosity towards others, so I should hate it also. I should show love. Today, I realized how over I am with “that guy”. I don’t think I have any more feelings towards him whatsoever. Now that I’ve realized it, I don’t have to show animosity towards him any longer. I actually didn’t have the right to show animosity towards him in the first place, because that’s not what God wants. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to address “that guy” tomorrow. I don’t know how to start off or what exactly to say, but hopefully he will listen. You know, that guy really hurt me, but I’m willing to forgive because that’s what God did to me. Love is forgiving. Love is unending. Love is kind. Hopefully, tomorrow,  I will remember these things and show Christian love.

‬‬“And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭22:39‬ ‭KJV‬‬

With LOVE,

Becky D

Mental Journey

Day 18

You never realize how much you’ve spent time doing something until you are no longer doing it. So as a part of my “Mental Journey”, I cut off some things and people. I no longer have Snapchat or Instagram, and I no longer talk to a certain person. Today, I missed all of those things. I missed checking my Snapchat story, catching up on Instagram posts, and just talking to “that guy”. I kind of felt alone today. I’m not really the type of person to have, like, close friends. I never was. It’s not that I don’t have any friends, it’s just I never had a physical being that I could tell everything to, you know? I did things on my own. One positive of this is that I never had a problem with validation because I was always secure in myself. I am my own “best friend”, I guess😂. Before I found myself in my current dilemma, I didn’t have anyone I would text all day or hang out with, I just was by myself. Which was fine, actually. I thought about things a lot and found out what my beliefs were. But once I started talking to “that guy”, I found , myself somewhat consumed in talking to this person, that I forgot about what I believed in and started to “tolerate” more things. Now that I have stopped talking to “that guy”, I realized that I like being alone and just thinking to myself, but sometimes it’ll be nice to have someone to talk to. Someone to just tell your feelings and problems to, you know? I know I have God and, really, He’s all I need, but sometimes I just want a physical being to talk to. Is that wrong?

With love,

Becky D

Mental Journey

Day 15,16, and 17

You guys, I have been slacking and I truly apologize 😂. It’s just that I have been extremely busy these past three days! Let’s start off with Wednesday. Wednesday started off “eh”, considering I had to start off the day with 3 hours worth of Pre-ACT work. That was NOT fun, but it had to be done. I also had to take a test to volunteer at the hospital, so that was also stressful, but I ended up passing. As for my “Mental Journey”, Wednesday was a good day. I stayed away from gossip and other things that could’ve strayed me away from my ultimate goal: which is to be more like Christ. Thursday was a good day too. Our whole sophomore class went to volunteer at two parks today. It was an humbling experience because it taught me how hard people worked to clean after our messes. You see, dedicated people have to clean the parks every single day. The least we can do is make the job a little easier for them. Since on Thursday, I was in such a good mood, for some reason, I decided to text the person who hadn’t talked to in like 3 weeks. He didn’t respond. At first, I was kind of upset and stressing about it. I was asking myself questions like “Why won’t he answer?”, “Is he still mad?”, and “Am I blocked on his phone?” However, I then realized that me stressing about it was dumb. My “Mental Journey” was all about finding myself and getting over this certain person and the situation. Once I reminded myself of that, I was back on track with my “Mental Journey”. However, today, Friday, I found myself getting jealous for some stupid reason. Like, honestly, I need to stop, because this is getting ridiculous. Why am I letting a guy have this much control over my emotions? Why? My friend was telling me and two other girls this, “Once we start putting someone before God, that’s when things start to turn South”. She’s right. Instead of letting this guy, who wants nothing to do with me, have so much of my attention. I should be giving that attention and control to God. 

With love, 

Becky D